Mirror Mirror in my Soul

 To be the best version of yourself – you must know the worst version of yourself.

                                                    Photo by Milada Vigerova on Unsplash

“It doesn’t understand I don’t even get mad that often…” or “I only talk loud never yell” These are just a few of the responses I have heard in sessions from people when I ask what you look like when you are mad? The truth is we don’t get to see our worst selves very often. We always play down our bad sides for the reality of seeing yourself is often more than we can take or worse than we think we are.

I have asked families to record the family interactions good and bad and try to do so without being noticed so we can review some clips in session! Well as you might have guessed there is some resistance to doing this but often the kids are cool but the adults are not so much. While we may not know what we look like when we are at our worst, we have some idea that we might not look so good in those moments. 

One teen did this assignment when mom and dad were screaming and "communicating." We took a few minutes to watch this clip and the father started crying and the mother said OMG I look like her – she clarified, she meant her own mother.

It is not until we see our own actions as others see us, that we can understand if we bring positive or negative energy to a situation! Yes! The family made changes after that!  

The earliest known manufactured mirrors (approximately 8000 years old) have been found in Anatolia (south central modern-day Turkey). These were made from obsidian (volcanic glass). (1) This is not to mention still lakes and ponds where he can see our reflections over the eons. Looking in the mirror according to some researchers means not looking into our eyes but only at the larger self.

Mirrors have been used in Sci-fi, horror, and fantasy stories, books, and movies as the gateway for evil, doors to other dimensions, and of course to see our darkest inner places. 

Earlier this year, GfK conducted a global survey to determine how much time people in different countries spend on personal grooming (Mirror Time). They found that women spend an average of nearly five hours per week on bathing, shaving, dressing, hair, and make-up, compared with just over three hours for men. The majority of people said they make all that effort to feel good about themselves. The second major reason is to make a good impression on people they meet for the first time. (2)  

3 to 5 hours a week looking in a mirror at ourselves but not looking at our own eyes. So many mirrors in movies that represent this self-reality - The Never Ending Story and Harry Potter both have these mirrors that reflect the inner being. The Never Ending story says - look and you will see the truth you and Potter show the desire of the viewer and both have the same warning you may never be the same! 

Truth is, once we see our worst self then normally people start the process of finding balance in their behaviors and actions. People often want to be kinda, nicer, make better decisions, be more connected, more loving, and far less TRAUMATIC to the people and world around them! 

Action idea: 

Have you ever tried to stand in the mirror and look right into your own eyes for 3 minutes? it is unnerving, I had to do this at a conference many years ago, and only lasted about a minute the first time. I have and still do this on occasion, especially when I am out of balance - 

I have asked many clients to try this activity and record their emotions/thoughts as they look right at their own eyes. The eyes have been called the mirror to our souls; I tend to believe that is an accurate statement.

Warning – that is a much harder exercise than you might think. It can trigger a lot of emotions and memories, some long buried. It is in the eye that we, for the most part, can be calmed or worried when we look at others. “There is something about their eyes!” I have heard this in positive and negative ways many times.  When we stop and look into our own eyes, we must start to see ourselves, sometimes for the first time!

Looking into your own eyes only has value if you’re willing to ask yourself questions. Below I have added a list of self-challenging questions that you can use if you try this. 

Yes, you are supposed to try to answer the question while looking at yourself but sometimes you need time to answer but come back to yourself with an answer.

1.       What do I want?

 

3.       How can I improve my life?

4.       What do I want to do in the next year?
5.       Are there things I need to change?
6.       If I could make one internal part better what would it be?
7.       If I could stop ______ How would I start stopping it?
8.       What responsibility am I avoiding?
9.       What is one positive thing I could do today?
10.   How do I define success?
11.   If I could talk to one person in my life today who?
12.   What thing(s) from the past is still bothering me?

When you start this internal dialog it may feel awkward and a bit silly at first but soon you will learn that self-dialog is a large part of successful people’s daily routine.

I read “If I don’t even want to talk to me about my own problems then how can I ever learn to be a better person?” (Author unknown) This is a tad over the top, but it still has a lot of truth to it. I know my faults better than anyone else and I know what tools I must fix my problems. If I can’t answer these questions, then maybe I need to speak to someone to start hearing “Your own voice” not that of trauma. (HINT - next blog = is that my voice or trauma talking?)  

Quick self-example –

Today self-thought –

I am feeling overloaded. What can I do today to make it a better day?

Random junk thoughts (always first)

NOTHING

YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING

YOUR STUCK

NO ONE CARES

SUCK IT UP GET TO WORK…

Let these play out then STOP and recognize that ----- those are junk trauma answers –

Say – What do “I” say?

Quite voice – I could go fishing (in my case)

Trauma voice – NO YOU ARE TO BUSY! THAT IS SELFISH!  YOU WON’T GET IT ALL DONE (heavy in guilt) …

ME – let these T-voices paly out then in my rational voice I answer – I have the day off, all my to do list will be here after I get back, if I do it no one gets hurt, I need time to have fun too!

 Decision – I am going fishing because I can, and I am allowed to feel relaxed!  

Note motivation is not here just my choice to complete the task I chose, and yes even fun things can feel like a task if you are fighting trauma voice!