Parents - Get involved with your Childs therapy

 Once a 10 yr boy that, was yelling at his mother a lot was brought in to work with me. The mother said I need him to stop yelling at me! 

After the first session, she waited in the car while I talked to the boy. He never yelled at me or showed anger in any way. About 3 sessions later the mother came in very upset and said: "I am disappointed he is still yelling at me!"

 I asked if he had shared his treatment coping skills with her? She said no. I reminded her that in the first session, I encouraged her to come in and work with us. The mother had chosen not to come in with the boy and when I asked her why she said - 

"He is the problem, not me!"

 I got her to start participating in treatment with her son (first 15 mins) and we soon found out that communication in the family was not very functional. We made a family plan and an individual plan and things began to work much better. 
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Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

In the past few years, I have seen an unsettling trend in child therapy, that being the exclusion by (intentional or unintentional processes) - of the parent(s)/caregivers NOT being fully included in the treatment process of children and this is a very bad idea! 

I want all parents to understand that I applaud you for getting your child mental health services and for recognizing the need for a professional therapist. I also applaud you for wanting your children to have confidentiality in therapy but that should only go so far!  Much like a medical doctor, there are some conditions that a parent should have input on as it has a direct impact on the child's ability to get well. 

HOWEVER! Remember that a child seeing a therapist is only part of the solution! You as the parent/caregiver need to be part of the therapeutic process and in some cases the whole immediate family as well. 

Let me explain it like this:

If I take a car to the mechanic because I notice a rattle in the engine - I can not leave only the engine there to be fixed - The rattle is in the engine, the engine is part of the car as a whole so the whole machine will need to present so the rattle can be identified and fixed so the whole car can run better. 

So it is with child therapy! If you drop off a child or only sit in the waiting room and expect that the therapist can fix the child in 45-minute sessions so the child will go back to the family system and it will run perfectly, well, I think that most therapists would agree that outcome is very unlikely. The child may behave better but the whole system needs to work with the child to run smoothly. 

As the mother in the story above learned as we held family sessions, we could all be on the same page when a negative behavior started. The "Family Plan" was to not engage with the boy until he spoke at the appropriate level. (this was designed around the functioning of the boy). 

The family was to give only eye contact but no verbal response until he spoke at a normal level. (to show support but not reward bad behavior) Once the boy responded correctly the family plan gave the mother a road map to discuss and move forward without fighting as they had done in the past. 

Family involvement in the therapeutic process is vital to success with a child.  For a child is rarely "always the only problem!" 3 points - 

1.  I encourage you to talk to your child's therapist to understand what is going on in sessions. 
2. I encourage you to ask for help developing a Family Plan if there is an ongoing conflict.
3. I encourage you to ask for full family sessions to help your family system work better. 

We can always improve what, how, when, and why we say things to each other in a family! So get involved with the therapy MOST counselors will be more than glad to include you! 

Some therapists may not agree to this then I suggest you find a new one!