STOP with all the Toxic Positivity - (no such thing)
Toxic positivity – the new pop psychology wave. Let me say right now - I do not accept the term TOXIC Positivity on the idea that most people are in no way intending to hurt, dismiss or OFFEND others by being positive.
I don’t normally rant about new pop psychology as it is
like a new exercise craze – they come and they go. They make some people’s life
amazing for a short time then they just fade away as the books and equipment end up
in the garage sale next year.
Pop psychology is no different, a new term pops up and the
world runs towards the light of it like bugs to the zapper on my back porch. It is
exciting and fresh and so revolutionary – it gives us new tools or thoughts to
make our lives better. The thing is for a short time these pop-up ideas do work
and help us but more times than not it has only minimal long-term impact.
As a therapist that has been through many pop psychology waves,
I have even taken some parts of a few pop psychology ideas and used them in therapy,
where they did have some impact. However, I just read a NEW pop psychology term
toxic positivity!
Toxic positivity - defined as the belief that no matter how
dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset.
Too much positivity is toxic because it
can harm people who are going through difficult times. (1)
I want to yell at the top of
my lungs “STOP IT WITH TOXIC TOPICS ALREADY!” I won’t go through all the other
toxic topics I disagree with - I will simply say this one in my opinion, as
someone that has worked for years to help people stop negative self-talk and
negative mindset, this idea of toxic positivity is one has the potential to be
very dangerous to relationships and personal wellbeing!
My points against toxic
positivity:
1 – Most will not understand its meaning-
If understood fully the
term and idea of toxic positivity might have some value but we humans don’t do
that! Few people ever fully read pop psychology ideas. It is a lot like joining
a gym – many people say to the trainers, “Oh, I know how to use a treadmill and
I like the leg machines and I am getting a good workout” – but most people
are not getting a good workout because they are not doing it correctly and they
don’t see results, or they hurt themselves. This is why most people stop going
to the gym or exercising. If a person learned about how to build a workout that
fits them, they are more likely to stay the course of working out.
Just like this new term, if
one reads and learns fully what the idea of toxic positivity is saying, then one
will see it is talking about those that are positive to their own or to others' detriment.
I get that, however, as a realist, I know that most people will only read the brief
condensed Facebook, TikTok, or YouTube version of it and will not get to the
deeper level.
Most will see the title and
brief outline of the idea and then an example like the following:
Quite letting toxic positivity hold you back! – For example - I don’t like my job but at least I have one! ----- This is toxic
because you speak, or accepting this is how you are holding yourself back by
being positive about a negative job and denying your real feelings! (Even now
some are reading this and going right!) People will think “Yeah I need to be
more real and just say this job sucks or maybe I just need to QUIT now… yeah no
more toxic positive for me!” (1)
People don’t read the full
idea they just take the top idea and make up their own mental workout with no
balance, just surface knowledge reaction.
2 – Not using terms correctly can hurt you.
People are quick to join
the pop psychology waves but often get hurt without fully understanding. Let’s
say you quit looking for positive things to say to get through your negative
job and you just embrace the negative emotions or reactions that you are “really”
feeling. What will happen at this job? How long before your negative thoughts
cause you to quit or get fired? Embracing
negative energy as your main feelings will NEVER lead to a better you or a
better place!
3 – Positive thinking needs
a realistic balance!
Because you or your friend
is a focused positive person, and you/they try to avoid letting negative energy
be in the driver's seat, in no way does that mean that you /they are toxic. When
things are bad in a situation, work, personal life, or other it is most
important to know that to find balance both positive and negative energies must
be felt and experienced!
If a child is sick, then it
is okay to feel sad and fearful but also to say or hear we/you
can get through this.
If you have a job that is negative
it is okay to say how sad and angry the job makes you and to plan how to find a
new job, while saying or hearing at least I have a job for now until I can find a
new one!
If you are working on a new
project and things go terribly wrong – it is okay to say this was a total
failure and hear those that support, you say – it is up to you to not let
failure be an option!
If I had to choose a side to err on it would be the positive side.
4 – Most people do not mean
to minimize your feeling by being positive!
This is another point to
this toxic positivity that promotes that overly positive people reject your true
feelings. Toxic positivity calls the following statements toxic - If you have
someone in your life that says things like:
·
Just stay
positive!
·
Good thoughts
only!
·
It could be
worse.
·
Things happen
for a reason.
·
Failure isn't an
option.
SUCH EVIL! I mean these
words of encouragement can’t get more toxic! WAIT!
These are not intended toxic
statements! These are people offering the best they have to you to help you
when they learn of a hard experience you’re going through! TRUE, these may not
help and may even be inappropriate but that does not mean they are not trying
to be sincere and caring in their statement!
Do not let this idea poison
the potential of taking even a small piece of support from these types of
statements! As I have said people offer these may be all they have to offer
they don’t know how to ask – how are you feeling, or say things like "...that must be hard on you,
how can I help?" They are trying to offer you support, however so limited.
We lost a child to
miscarriage in 1996 – lots of people offered the normal “encouragement” – well
you can try again, or you’ll be stronger for this etc… were they supportive? NO
– not at all!
However, they were not
trying to be offensive or toxic! They were offering us the best they had in a
time as they may never have experienced such a thing. Not everyone will have
the right words or the right response to our emotional needs and WE need to
know that and understand who we are talking to or looking to them for support from.
No one I have met and that
is a lot of people, has ever been so positive that I felt dismissed or let
myself be OFFENDED by other people’s positive words!
That is right I said it – the only way we can be offended is by letting others offend us!
I have been called every name in the book by children, adults, co-workers and more yet not once did I allow someone else to OFFEND ME!
I may not have appreciated it; I have
felt angry about it and vented in the right time and place but I never took it
in as an offense by the other person! My reactions are my view of their views
(right or wrong) and I control how I react to others.
Here are a few tips to deal with others that might be “overly positive” –
1. You know some people in your life have never offered solid support for you so – DON’T seek it from them! If someone uses cliche positive all the time and that bothers you do not tell them your problems! pick careful to whom you open yourself up!
2 - Positive words are NOT TOXIC 99% of the time! Most positive words are offered in a sincere effort to support others. They can be offered as words to people when a person has no other words. Take them at face value they can only be toxic if you turn them that way based on your thinking!
3 - Take positive words in and apply them to your life’s situation, if possible, if not then just choose to think the person was offering their best supportive advice. Give the benefit of the doubt and move on!
4 - Only become offended at things that are intended to be offensive! If someone flips you off or looks at you and calls you a name TAKE offense as these are intentional! Offering simple positive words, no matter how trivial or weak, should never offend you.
Remember – you control how you respond to how others interact with you. If they are negative or overly positive, it is inside you to choose your emotional reactions!
I do not accept the term
TOXIC Positivity on the idea that most people are in no way intending to hurt,
dismiss or OFFEND others by being positive.
Most people have limited
responses to people in crisis so they offer what they can even if it is non-effective, it is their best and you can accept it at face value and look
for TRUE support from those that will offer you a deep emotional supportive
connection.
We need to stop the extremism of pop psychology!
We need to talk about balance with real and
healthy emotional processing. I am not a naturally positive person. I tend to be
on the pessimistic side of things. Unless I use positive choice thinking to
find balance, I can become depressed or cranky. One must be able to see that
positive people may need that energy for their own journey – maybe they use it to
stay away from deep depression, self-harm, and substance abuse or triggering their
PTSD.
You have to choose how you
process other people’s words and YES I am advocating for you to take the
mature, healthy adult road by processing the words and not become reactionary
to whatever someone says by thinking, well they are being TOXIC positivity!
I have seen far more negative things come from those that embrace “true feelings” without making an effort to balance their moods with positive thoughts
Balance your negative energy
with positive thoughts even the simple one given to you by others!
References:
1 - Toxic Positivity—Why
It's Harmful and What to Say Instead By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Updated on May 15,
2023, from https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-toxic-positivity-5093958
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